She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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