A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
