last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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