well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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