please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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