Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
