Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
