I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
