I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
