Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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