Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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