pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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