I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
