i need an iv and a liver transplant
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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