At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
