I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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