Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
