dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
