We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
