dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he puts the penis in happiness.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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