I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
