he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
do herpes really smell.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
