You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
