It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
