someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
