does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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