wrigley field is MILF paradise
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
