She is in my trunk
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
