you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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