I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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