Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just invented taco cereal.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
