I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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