i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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