She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
