So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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