the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
