Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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