I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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