unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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