I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
