hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
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