Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
