you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
