Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
