i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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