Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
