fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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