my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
