I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want her autograph on my taint
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
