proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
