I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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