you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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